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Amo Te. Mi Dispiace.
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in rheannadragon's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, March 17th, 2005
8:45 am
Bumped, bruised and worried
I called the doctors office yesterday about getting an appointment for some blood tests because of the dizzy spells I have been having.

Unfortunately, I have the best doctor on the face of the planet which makes him REALLY hard to get into. The soonest appointment he had was April 26. I am going to take Monday off from work though and when my mom goes to the doctor, I am going to go with and hope he will just sign the papers that say "I want Amy to go get bloodwork". He totally should. He is the best doctor ever.

Unfortunately I also feel bad. Yesterday I was talking to one of my best friends and I promised to call him last night because he was upset with me. Again. And I had every intention of doing that.

But then, I feel bad. I had another dizzy spell last night. This time, I bumped my head. Much harder than last time. I woke up on the floor with my head against the wall (incidently, my neck also hurts)and was disoriented half the night.

I am not about to make excuses to him. I doubt he would believe me anyway. He is probably going to drop me as a friend but hey. I was Unconscious. I think I will go cry now.

Current Mood: sore
Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
8:38 am
Kinda worried.
Well, Saturday at the game, I got really dizzy while talking to one of my new players and had to sit down for a bit. When I went to go get some water, I went into the bathroom and got really dizzy and fell.

Luckily, Spencer heard me and came in to get me.

I have a bump on my head still but overall I am ok. We figured it was an unfortunate side effect of a tightly laced corset. I was fine for the rest of the night. Just REALLY REALLY cold.

I was i at the gym yesterday, just about to START my workout when I got really dizzy again and fell. That kind of worries me. Besides the obvious suckage that I almost pulled a filing cabinet over on to myself, it apparently was not a one time thing caused by my laces being too tight.

Of course, then, I also had to tell my mother that I had fallen Saturday night as well, which resulted in "Why the hell did you not tell me?" And Hopefully she was able to get me a doctor's appointment for today. If not, Hopefully some time this week so I can know what the hell is going on.

I assume it is just something like anemia and not something serious. (I have not been eating too well lately or taking my vitamins and I have been having a really hard time keeping food down. I was dry heaving on my way to meet my friends parents Sunday night. All I had that day was two bites of a peanut butter sandwich. I am never hungry, and food refuses to stay down.) My doctor will probably just draw some blood (I hate having that done. It makes me cry every time. Damn Vampires.) and run a few tests. Either way, I am not really looking forward to it.

Oh well. I do hope everything is ok. I need hugs. I HATE having blood drawn. I have also been bruising REALLY easily lately so I will probably have a massive "Hey-I-Have-Been-Shooting-Up" bruise on my arm for the next week or two.

Damn.

Current Mood: worried
Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
8:31 am
ummm... What to title this... Amy T. getting pissed off. Again.
Some people are just so hard to please.

Gods, it pisses me off so badly when people are indecisive and want things both ways.

It is like "I can not make up my mind as to what I want to be happy, so damnit, you are not going to be happy either. I am going to play mind games with you until you finally get so sick of beating around the bush and playing childish games that you decide to tell me to frack off, and then I will be so hurt and tell everyone how I was hurt YET AGAIN by some evil, conniving female who broke my heart."

You know what...

*ONE HAS TO HAVE A HEART BEFORE IT CAN BE BROKEN*

And yes, that does seem a little harsh, but you know, friends do not go around hurting their friends and being so contradictory, and confusing and just overall determined to screw with your head that you spend YET ANOTHER sleepless night up crying because you are trying your damndest to figure out what everyone wants and understand why they expect you to give up so much when they are unwilling to make such sacrifices in return.

Current Mood: confused
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
8:18 am
My Weekend
My mother was pissed off at me for the last couple of weeks. About three or four weeks ago, we were invited to this barbecue. I REPEATEDLY asked my brother (it was his girlfriend's family's barbecue) what time it was going to be. About four days before the stupid thing, he tells me noon. AFTER I have my work schedule and was expected to work until 1:30.

Somewhere along the way, she volunteered to bring a dessert to this thing. A VERY time consuming and tedious to make dessert I might add.

And somehow I got elected to make it.

Funny. I do not remember saying I would make it. Or bring anything for that matter.

Anyway, I spend TWO DAYS baking this crap for a barbecue that I am not even going to go to because I will be at work.

I call around and eventually get Kelli to work my shift.

So, Saturday rolls around. I get up at the buttcrack of dawn to bake and stuff.

Then we get to the barbecue.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

Socializing with a bunch of uptight turds.

At this barbecue, they are serving NOTHING but pork.

Well except for REALLY salty side dishes and sugary confections.

I am allergic to pork. And I cannot eat much salt. Eating pork makes me toss my cookies. Eating salt makes me toss my cookies. Eating a ton of sugary crap makes me toss my cookies.

So I attempt to "respectfully decline" eating.

Yeah.

That did not work.

So I ate the pork.

I ate the VERY VERY INSANELY SALTY german potatoe salad (her mom is German).

I ate the VERY VERY INSANELY SALTY broccoli salad. With pork. And Mayonaise. (I Can't eat mayonaise)

I eat her "Gag-me-they-are-so-overpoweringly-sickening-sweet-and-peanut-buttery" Fudge.

And I spent the rest of the day tossing cookies. And potatoe salad and pork and broccoli salad and salt and peanut butter fudge (mind you, I do LOVE peanut butter, but who knew she could frack that up?).

And, I got sunburned.

Screw being social. Next barbecue I am invited to, I am staying home and talking to my gaming friends. Maybe playing a nice game of Settlers of Catan or something.


Ok.

I got my lazy ass out of bed this morning.

I got dressed.

I went to school.

When I got there, I had to go print up some study questions for my class that was due before the test today. While printing them up, I got into a fight with the printer, took forever, and I was late for class. Because I was late for class, I got locked out.

I cannot leave because my pocketbook got locked in. Along with my book bag. So I missed a test and had to stay at school all morning to wait for the class to end so I could get my stuff.

So I failed the test and wasted my entire morning. Hell, I should have just stayed in bed. I wonder how bad the rest of my day is going to suck.

I think I will go back to bed for the day. I want a do- over.

Maybe me and Wendy will go shopping. But with my day... I will probably do something REALLY sucky and stupid.

I need a hug.

Current Mood: annoyed
Monday, February 28th, 2005
8:16 am
Random Thoughts
Living in a surreal dream, you pinch yourself to wake up, I feel less pain than you, The razor piercing my flesh has ceased to awaken me. I am more numb now than I ever thought possible.

Maybe I should just stay asleep.

What is the point of awakening?

Being awake hurts worse than the nightmares that plague me as I sleep.

Yes, I know what it is like to be a prisoner in my own mind. The monster that lurks there keeps me confined so it may have free rein over my existence.

And what a dismal existence it is.

Current Mood: melancholy
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
12:24 pm
Official rules for calling "shotgun"
Ever get sick of people calling shotgun while you're still paying for the beer?

Ever want to beat someone for calling shotgun every time you get into the car on a long trip?

Here we have them. The OFFICIAL rules for calling shotgun. I have edited these down for space reasons, but print out a copy, stash them in the glove box and the next time some jerk tries to usurp your turn in the front seat, smack him in the face with these bad boys.

General Rules
1) The first person to yell "SHOTGUN" gets to ride in the front seat.


2) The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being the first to call "back right seat", etc..


3) The word "shotgun" must be loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note: if it isn't his car, and the owner is present, the owner's decision is final. Owner must be sober, however, or he will defer his judgment to the driver.)


4) Early calls are strictly prohibited. All occupants of the vehicle (including the driver) must be outside of the building and directly on the way to the vehicle before shotgun may be called. Under no circumstances may a person call shotgun inside a building. For sake of simplicity, a garage is considered to be outside. Parking structures and detached garages are always considered as being outdoors, even if they are underground.


5) A person may only call shotgun for one way of a trip. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.


6) Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don't own the front seat.


7) One is allowed to ride shotgun as many times as he can call it, but for himself only. No one can call shotgun for their slower friend, unless the friend has a speech or mental handicap that prevents them from calling it for themselves.


8) The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons.

Special Cases
These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.


1) In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.


2) If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.


3) In the instance the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.


4) In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.


5) In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.


6) In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.


The Survival Of The Fittest Rules (a.k.a The Bastard Rules)
1) If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival Of The Fittest Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force.


2) The driver must announce the institution of the Survival Of The Fittest Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.


Eviction
If the vehicle is forced to stop for a serious infraction of the Shotgunner, the Shotgunner must relinquish his/her seat, if the driver so wishes.
Serious infractions have been known to include spilling alcoholic beverages, spilling any beverage, being annoying, breaking parts of the car, and in extreme cases, just being ugly.

The Shotgun Clause
This rule native to the south, but practical in many northern cities, states that the potential occupant with the largest caliber weapon on their person defaults to shotgun, unless one occupant is actually armed with a shotgun, in which case he gets shotgun. If two or more occupants actually have shotguns, then the over/under barrel configuration rules.

Navigator
The passenger who has shotgun MUST serve as Navigator. By this, he must watch out for signs and intersections that the driver may miss during the course of a road trip. The Navigator must also ask for directions out the window.


It is also the responsibility of the passenger who has shotgun to take control of the radio and air conditioning, however the driver has final say over the settings. The other occupants of the car can also have an opinion. If the passenger with shotgun is caught forgetting their duties and makes the car listen to commercials and/or bad music, then his privilege can be lost. Of course, this is all in good judgement of the driver. As Navigator, the driver may also ask him to operate other devices such as the windshield wipers, and rear window defroster.


It is also the job of the Navigator throw all trash and empty beer bottles out of the window. The beer bottles must be crushed under the tires to destroy all evidence, in case of an emergency situation.


In addition, the Navigator must possess the ability and the will to insult other drivers and be heard, only if they deserve it (ie: being cut off). This is to allow the driver to continue to operate the vehicle properly.


The Navigator must possess the ability (and the will) to roll down their window and invite any chicks in adjacent cars to the driver's destination.

Five Minute Rule
This rule, which originated in Massachusetts, states that in the event that the passenger riding shotgun leaves the car (ie: to get something from his house or a convenient store) is allowed 5 minutes in which to return and still retain his shotgun privilege. If he does not return within the time frame allotted, another passenger may take his place. There are other variations to this rule such as the "Two Hour Rule," but these usually result in the shotgunner geting beaten up by the other passengers.

Refueling
In addition to Amendment VII, if the car needs refueling at any time, it is the duty of the Shotgunner to gas up the car and pay (though usually with money given by the driver).

Secondary Passenger
If a passenger is "just along for the ride," then they must sit in the back seat (or worst seat, if the car is otherwise full), because the ride is not for them.

Contraband
In the event that the car is about to pass an abandoned case of beer, pornography, or any other form of contraband that the passengers might find useful in some way or another, it is the responsibility of the passenger riding shotgun to open his door and scoop up the said beer, pornography or contraband, while the car is still in motion.
Additionally, if the car is moving at a speed above 15 M.P.H. (24 km/h) the passenger riding shotgun may decline to do so.

No Chauffeur / Compulsory Shotgun
In the event that there are fewer passengers than capacity would allow, there must always be a passenger riding shotgun. This would include a couple. This is to prevent the driver from feeling ditched, or like a chauffeur.

Eagle Scout
It is the duty of the Shotgunner to spot all speed cameras and police cars that could pose a threat to the driver and car. If the vehicle is stopped because the Shotgunner failed in his duties, he may be banned from riding Shotgun for a period of time dictated by the driver.

Shotgun Suicide
If the Shotgun caller attempts to open the car door as it is being unlocked (thus causing it to stay locked), he immediately loses Shotgun priviliges for the upcoming ride, and a new round of calling Shotgun must be executed.

The Couples Rule
In the event that a couple is traveling together, they must both sit together in either the front or back seat. This is so that people without boy/girlfriends, spouses, lovers, or prostitutes, can talk amongst themselves in the hope of acquiring boy/girlfriends, spouses, lovers, or prostitutes.

Current Mood: amused
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
10:32 am
Another sleepless night
Well I did not sleep again last night. Not like that is anything new but it is still annoying.

On the other hand, I did get a new project done. At 4 am, I was up making origami lotus blossoms. At 3 am, I was painting vines on my walls on which I could stick the above mentioned lotus blossoms.

I also learned how to make origami bamboo the other night. I am going to fill my other wall with bamboo. Unfortunately, because of the paper I have, I have to make the bamboo in four inch sections at a time. To cover my eight foot tall wall... That is a lot of folding. Note to self, BUY BIGGER PAPER.

At least I have a relatively constructive hobby now.

Unfortunately while doing this project, I still have not slept more than two hours a night in days. *Does some mental calculating* Weeks actually. Kind of starting to worry me. The nightmares have really started up again. It is actually really hard not to call people in the middle of the night. I can see it now.



*Ring Ring*

*Answers sleepily* "Hello?"

"M***, Are you ok? I had this really bad dream where you were hurt and it was my fault and I was scared and ..."

"Shut up and go to sleep." *Click*



I was sleep walking at a slumber party I went to Saturday.

I got out of the bed I was in, walked out the door, down the hall, through the living room, past the kitchen, down the other hall, into another bedroom and laid down on the floor. All while asleep.

Needless to say, I was in for a nasty shock when I woke up. Left me rather disoriented, to say the least.

I do not mind that as much. I do hate the fact that I have had a relapse. I have not walked in my sleep for probably about a year now (since I was living in the dorms in Valdosta, luckily I was wearing clothes that night.) Actually, I did one other time since then.

I was trying to take medication in my sleep.

The whole thing bothers me a lot because it does not seem like I can be left alone. Because of some of the things I do, I am actually a hazard to myself most of the time.

It bothers me that I am always going to have to be dependent on someone else to insure that I do not inadvertently hurt myself.

What would have happened, I wonder, if I had managed to down those before someone realized what I was doing? Luckily, someone found me. I have lived alone before. What would have happened if I had tried that when no one was there?

I do have conversations in my sleep. I have kissed people in my sleep. Maybe I can call the doctor and have my stomach pumped in my sleep too.

But that still bothers me.

The inability to be alone and trusted.

The need to have someone watch me.

To take care of me.

To make sure I do not accidently hurt myself when I sleep walk. Or when I lose consciousness during a panic attack.

Kind of a depressing thought.

Luckily, one has to sleep before they can sleep walk.

Current Mood: restless
Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
9:25 am
Still confused
I know what I want.

I know what I need.

I know what is healthy for me, my carefully erected walls, shields, and masks, and my sanity.

What do you do when none of these things correspond?

What do you do when you want something more than anything in the world (except for possibly a nice BIG hot fudge cake sundae with peanut butter and bananas. Oh yeah. THAT is what I want most in the world. *Salivates* I have got to go to Sonic.) and yet it is always dangling just out of your grasp? At times it seems so close it is painful. And then, of course, someone has to pop your happy little bubble.

Leave me in my ignorance. Ignorance may not be bliss, but at least it does not leave you with a constant ache that threatens to tear your heart to shreds with each and every heart-wrenching beat.

Ever wonder why the world seems bent on destroying all your hopes and dreams and chances for happiness? Why any time you feel an inkling of happiness, you have to have the rug snatched out from beneath your feet? I do not mind falling off a few rugs. But do you really feel the need to step on me when I have fallen? I can get up if I slip. I am trapped when you are standing on top of my aching heart.

I am a big girl. I can make my own decisions. I can make my own mistakes. I can make my own bed and damnit, I can LIE in it too.

I am trapped by the whims of everyone else. No, I would not ask you to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of mine. (Funny how for just a few brief seconds I actually thought you might not consider it a sacrifice) But Damnit. I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness for yours any longer.

It makes it hard to just roll out of bed every morning when within a few hours time you hear "I love you. I know He loves you. I love someone else more. I do not want this. I do not want you. I want someone else more than you(consequently, "someone else" is exactly every little thing I am not.) And everything in between.

Happiness is dangling just in front of me. And eventually I am going to have to give up on the temptation in front of me and turn to another.

Make up your twisted little mind.

I know what I need to be happy. You cannot have it both ways. Do not love me one moment and betray me the next. That is no longer an irritating little thing.

That is Cruel.

Must you be so cruel?

Current Mood: depressed
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
8:34 am
So confused.
Yay. Post-Valentine day. What a let down. Now stores will be getting rid of the noxious pink color scheme and marking down the over priced Valentines shit. Well, Maybe I will stock up on those spiffy little heart thingy's no one eats. Use them to feed the birds or throw at people who piss me off at work. Come on. 6 cents for an entire box of projectile missiles. Maybe I will get lucky and pelt some poor ugly bastard who has never had a valentine and make him cry. Or contemplate ending his existence. Or hell. I am feeling ambitious. Screw Contemplating. Just MAYBE I can make him fade off into oblivion.

I should come with my own warning label.

Warning. Contains one really evil chic bent on ruining your day/week/life/incarnations. Why stop at one life time? Amy: Fucking with minds one suicidal fuck at a time.

Ah... Making others miserable. For what so grand a purpose as to bring others down into my *raspy evil voice* pit of despair. *Coughs, clears throat*Normal voice* Don't even think of trying to escape. (Princess Bride. Shove it losers, that movie rocks.)

So. I am bummed out. Again. And am set on taking others down with me. Yay! Lucky you guys. Sad. So sad.

You ever realize how life conveniently throws choices in your lap when all you want is for someone to tell you what to do? You never have choices in say "Which insanely sexy outfit should I wear today?" Hell No. You have one hot outfit. All the others resemble cow dung in a burlap sack. With bowling shoes. Or, "should I have the yummy Steak or the yummy pasta?" Nope. All we have left is the burnt pork chops.

Nope.

The only time you ever get to make decisions is the ones that will ultimately destroy your friends, your life, your carefully maintained sanity. Life is hard. And for JUST ONCE people. See where I am coming from. Look at what you are asking me to do. Look what you are asking me to give up. I have made changes for you. I have hurt for you. Look at what you are asking me to give up. Look what you are asking me to keep. I am sick of hurting for you.

Why don't you hurt for once?

Current Mood: melancholy
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
10:17 am
With Valentines Day on the way, you are probably getting sick of all the stores that are filled with cheesy, over-priced merchandise. If pink makes you want to throw up, you can either avoid Wal Mart like the plague OR simply break up with your loved one before the big day. Courtesy of Amy T. and Happy Bunny, I give you "The Best Break Up Letter EVER." Print out a copy and circle the most appropriate CAPITALIZED word.



Dear (INSERT NAME HERE),

Thanks for the several pleasant DAYS, WEEKS, MILKSHAKES that we shared. Although at first it seemed as though we were a match made in HEAVEN, CLEVELAND, HASTE, I realize now that I need something MORE, LESS HAIRY, NOT PSYCHO in my life.

Hurting you is the LAST, FIRST thing I'd ever want to do, but I can't hide my FEELINGS, NEW ROMANCE, DISGUST any longer. I hope you UNDERSTAND, HEAL QUICKLY, CHOKE ON VOMIT.

When you think back on what we had I hope you will be KIND, HAPPY, FLOATING FACEDOWN IN A RIVER and you'll know that part of me will ALWAYS, NEVER care about you.

I want you to know that I shall always treasure deeply, with all my heart, the beautiful memory of when we (PICK SOME STUPID THING YOU DID ONCE) and I will never think of it as just some stupid thing we did once.

LOVE, YOUR FRIEND ALWAYS, CRAM IT,

(sign your name)




HAPPY V-DAY EVERYBODY.

Current Mood: naughty
Monday, February 7th, 2005
12:23 pm
So very tired
Have you ever wanted to just fall asleep forever?

I do.

I am so tired.

I feel so weak.

Or do I FEEL so tired.

And AM so weak.

I feel like curling up into a protective little ball.

And staying that way.

Until someone comes and makes me feel not so weak.

Feel not so helpless.

Feel not so damn tired.

Make me able to face the world again.

Make me able to look in the mirror again.

Protect me.

From you.

From him.

From them.

From ME.

Is that not what so many humans want?

Make me feel human.

Make me feel real.

Give me strength.

Protect me.

Hold me.

Make me feel that you Love me.

Make me feel that you Need me.

Make me feel that you Want me.

Make me feel that you Desire to possess me.

Just Make Me Feel Anything.

I am just so tired of being numb.
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
10:06 am
Court Status
Well, for those of you who have not yet heard, There is another continuance on my case. His psycho evaluation is not yet complete. Yay. So I do not have to cancel my doctor's appointment or skip school.

On the other hand,

Anybody want to play a game of "WHEN DO YOU THINK AMY T. WILL GET SUBPOENAED NEXT?"

Smart money is on "As soon as I get over the breakdown this time caused."

The runner-up is "The most inconvenient time possible for me, probably finals week."

I wonder if he has been in jail this whole time or if he has been out on bail or something.
Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
7:50 am
The Trial
Talked to the D.A. yesterday. Right now, my favorite psycho is probably going to get another continuance. It is kind of good if he does because then I will not have to cancel work, school, my doctor's appointment, all my plans, etc. If there is ANOTHER continuance (Two so far and counting) then I will get subpoenaed again next month.

Let's get this show on the road dicknose!
Monday, January 31st, 2005
8:37 am
Another Wonderful weekend.
Guess who came to my house this weekend...

If you guessed my best friend in the whole wide world... you are wrong.

I woke up to go to work early, like always. Luckily, work was cancelled for the ice. Yay! I got to stay in my pajamas and play shooter video games all day. Then I took a nap at 5. I go downstairs and guess which guy who raped me is sitting on my couch with his best friend. Yep. That's the one.

That sucks butt, does it not?

It kind of makes me NOT WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. And of course, I never got around to telling my mother the WHOLE story of how I lost my virginity. It would have hurt her. (So no one gets to mention it, capiche?) But because they used to be friends of ours, they came in and chatted. Needless to say, whether or not he raped me, or used to beat the shit out of me, we still used to date. Wow. Talk about akward...

But I sat there. And chatted. And did not say a damn word about the blatant disrespect of showing up at my house.

In the old days...

*reminisces about my high school days*throws up a little*

they used to hang out at my house ALL THE TIME. They were friends of my brother. That is how we started going out in the first place. They would come over, play some music, etc.

I am sorry, dicknose. You forfeited the right to come "chill at my place" when you told me I was worthless, and left bruises on me, raped me, gave me nightmares, made me hate myself, made me uncomfortable in my own body, and all the other shit that makes me not want to look at myself in the mirror.

Oh. And my nose was really cold this weekend too. Don't you hate cold weather? Kinda freezes your nasal passages. Ouch. Major suckage.
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
7:50 am
Prisoner
Do you know what it is like to be trapped inside your own mind? It is not a pleasant feeling.

Sometimes all you want to do is SCREAM to the Gods and the Heavens (or if you are monotheistic, omit the "s" 's) but they never hear you.

It hurts.

On top of the actual feeling trapped RIGHT NOW, there is the stifling feeling that No matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you work, no matter how many prescriptions you take, therapists you see, how many hours you spend attempting to smother the little beast that lurks inside of you, the realization that there is a monster inside of you trying to get out and trap you within the confines of your already twisted mind.

How is that for making it easier to sleep?

Because when you sleep, all of your carefully laid plans, your carefully erected walls and shields and masks are all thrown away. Leaving YOU there.

Alone.

Vulnerable.

Utterly defensless.

You toss and turn and cry out all night and have nightmares and feeling of helplessness. And hoplessness.

And then you wake up.

To do it all over again.

* * * * *

You erect youur shields.

And the walls that seperate you from your friends.

And you put on the masks that will make you seem normal.



* * * * *



And you are still trapped by the monster that lurks inside of you.



This is not a cry for help. This is a drug induced panic attack at 4 freaking AM.

Insomnia. Makes for some interesting live journal entries.
Monday, January 24th, 2005
9:44 am
My weekend, Part II
Saturday I was scheduled to work 9:30 am to 4 pm. Yay! Time to go home and relax. Hello "me time".
The girl scheduled to come in at 3 shows up and (I love her, truly) Looks like CRAP! I do not see how or why she dragged her tail out of bed. So I send her home and cover her shift.
That is not the bad part. I have NO PROBLEM pulling 12 hour shifts. But it is so funny (Ha fucking ha) how life has a sense of humor. At about 5:30, I guess, The time when I would have been home soaking in a hot bath with candles and oils and stuff, Guess who walks in.

The 19 year old guy who raped me when I was 15. And his best friend. Of course they are now both about 23 now and marines. Oooh... I am impressed. Both of whom used to hang out at my house all the time before we got into a "relationship".

I use quotation marks beause it was kind of a one sided thing. You know, I was the caring, affectionate, loyal, faithful one. He was the one who beat the shit out of me and left bruises on me and told me how useless I was and how no one else would ever like me, and how I would never be anything and...

I can go on like this for awhile.

Well, Amy being her usual intelligent self decides that I am going to wait on him and show him that I have no problem staring him in the eye and that I have moved on with my life and he still cannot make me cry.

That lasted about four seconds after the door closed behind him. Hello Panic Attack! My boss sent me to the back room to sit by myself for awhile and told me not to ever pull a stunt like that again or she would beat my ass or something.


And then... for dinner... I wanted Blimpie... and it took me 24 minutes to get my sub... and that was major suckage.

So, Sunday I was off and stayed home all day and cleaned the house and then went out to dinner. I am lucky I did not get arrested or some other equally fitting end to a most amusing/disturbing weekend.

Ok. Now I have had my Rant fest. Thanks for listening. I should probably tell my shrink, but I started refusing to go to her when I told her I Would never tell her shit because I know the textbook answers for every question she asks, complete with the stupid patronizing hand gestures they give you. It is hard to confide in someone you make a habit of informing you are smarter than. No respect. That is my problem. So I have been told with fingertips pressed together pointing at me in a patronizing manner.
8:52 am
My weekend.
Where to start... I really should update this over the weekend too. That way it will seem less like one long bitch session when I do get around to it. Oh well.
Away we go.

I was subpoenaed for the third time this weekend. For those of you who know about this, skip ahead to the next Astericks.
Those of you who don't Read On, Young Grasshoppers.

* * *

While living in Valdosta, My friends and I were attacked downtown one night. Some friends asked if I wanted to go to a club with them. I was getting rid of some stress due to the fact that I had 6 *count them* 6 opera shows that weekend. Who wouldn't be a little stressed? Opera. That translates as 4 hours of high pitched singing about every stupid little thing. (Musical theatre is my prefferred area of performance. You do not have to sing about EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A PISS. You talk about it, then break into a catchy song about it.) SOOOOOO, we go to a club downtown to relax, dance, have a few drinks, the usual.
When we leave (EARLY... 1 AM), some bastard comes up to us in the parking lot. We try to steer clear of him and head to the cars. He grabs Melanie's purse and she refuses to let go. He knocks her down and proceeds to pull her across the parking lot. Kevin and I advance *Insert theme music here* on the guy to help her and he pulls a knife on me, then Kevin, then he holds it to my friend.
I panicked.

For the first time in a VERY long time, I froze up and resorted to a very female cliche. I SCREAMED. And trust me. Opera, 1st Soprano, I CAN SCREAM. Screamed to the bouncer, screamed at her to let go of the damn purse, screamed because Hey, I am scared. I have no control of the situation because (also for the first time in a very long time) I am unarmed.
He eventually stabs her in the arm to get her to let go. He runs away and throws down a few streets later her purse, his jacket and the knife he used. Hooray for the boys in blue, they catch him a few streets later and shove him in the back of a police car. Then bring him back to the club where we are freezing our asses off in the Chilly March weather.
We stood there until almost 3:30 AM while identifying the guy.

* * *

One would think the story ends there. They got him, got the weapon, got 6 testimonies, life sould be a breeze now right?

Not quite.

We go home that night, and I do not think a single one of us slept. I personally went home and proceeded to throw up everything that i have EVER EATEN in my life, I think. You know how that goes. Too weak to get off the bathroom floor. Clinging to the toilet like it is a long, lost lover. By the time I dragged myself into a shower and stood fully clothed beneath the scalding water, It was time to get ready for the show. The show must go on. I Have No Voice from screaming. (Funny, at the time, our lives seemed more important than the show.) I take about six steps into the auditorium where we are performing and my best friend Matt asks

"How was your night?"

I broke down and cried myself senseless on the floor in the middle of the auditorium. Threw up. Again. And stood on stage like that for four hours. I lip synched through half of my shows, but damnit, I WAS ONSTAGE. (Truthfully, I did not want to be alone. Anything was better than going home and being trapped in my room with nothing but my mind to keep me company)

So, that night overall was not too bad. What really got to me was over the next month straight, I was so fucking sick. Everytime I closed my eyes, I saw HIM. Everytime I cut my food up, i saw HIM. Everytime I dreamt, I saw HIM.
I pretty much remained sick that whole month and I STILL have nightmares about HIM everytime I sleep. Or if HE does not haunt my dreams, Something like him does.
The BIGGEST problem I have about that whole night is the fact that I COULD NOT protect my friend. I Panicked. And she got hurt. Someone had gotten hurt because I was too fucking emotional to take care of her. And she was just a musician friend of mine.
What would I have done if it had REALLY mattered?
How the hell would I feel if Amy A had gotten hurt because I panicked?
Or my family?

It is so hard to live with the fact that I FUCKED UP. It hurts. Very Badly.

But I did move back home. I have a job up here, I have the game up here, I have my life up here. And in October, I got a subpoena to go testify against this guy. The one that I have been trying to forget since March 26. Can we say "RELAPSE"? Cannot sleep. And the friday before the trial, they said "THE TRIAL IS OFF" so my dumb self figures "YAY HE PLEAD GUILTY!" We saw it, we signed statements, A shitload of people saw it happen. Hello! YOU ARE GUILTY DICK NOSE!
So, we start healing again.
November 4. I get subpoenaed AGAIN. I have a plane ticket, I am going on vacation the DAY before the trial. THe one I Thought was over. I call, and they tell me by the time i received my subpoena all the way in Atlanta, he had gotten a continuance. For Psychological Evaluation. Yay.
So who can forget this time? I know they are going to pull this shit again.
So Friday I got my THIRD subpoena. MAYBE they will actually get this show on the road this time and we can FINALLY put this all behind us.

Don't you love the justice system? One Black guy attacks a group of college kids on March 26 in front of the Gods and everybody, one block from the police station, we ID the guy, give statements and they have the weapon, her purse, his jacket, and we are STILL waiting for this bastard to become someones bitch.
Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
12:57 pm
Whoops
Whoops. 1/19/2005
To insure I get at least some sleep a night, i down painkillers. Long story short, I stress constanly about everything. Sleep deprivation is no stranger to me. So I had gotten it in my bright little head that since painkillers knock me out, I should take those before bed.

Because I "HAVE TO" leave my cell phone nearby in case people need me in the middle of the night I had gotten tangled up in my cell phone cord. Because I was using my phone when the painkillers kicked in last night, I did not have a chance to move my cord. While I was tossing and turning over the next half hour, I had gotten the cord wrapped around my throat numerous times. I woke up accidently strangling myself. Talk about freaking out. I was... mildly panicky (HA) and have to wear a sweater today to hide the slight bruise around my neck. Luckily, it was not serious and i woke up ok.

But wow. That was scary.

So, long story short, people, unless it is an emergency, I am no longer answering my phone after about midnight. If it is an emergency, CALL BACK. I WILL ANSWER IF IT IS IMPORTANT! But if it is not, I am going to have to ask you to not call after 1 am at the latest.

Fine You-Know-Who. You win. Maybe I do need some sleep after all.
9:55 am
Tired of helping people who cannot help themselves.
I really do try to be there for all of my friends. But people, there is only so much I can do for you (and most of that is sexual) if you are not willing to try to fix things yourself! I can say everything you want to hear, or I can not say the stuff you do not want to hear but unless YOU are willing to make things better, there really is nothing I can do about it.
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
7:48 am
Yet another sleepless night.
Ok. I am dangerously close to swearing off humanity in general. Or just men. I cannot live without the other half of amy2 but boys... NO.
I am rather sick of (and I cannot imagine why this is the case. Are you people blind? I am nothing special.) being treated as some conquest. Yay! I am wanted for the bragging rights. Sure people. I am freaky, I have boobs. Treat me like a possession and lets call it a day.
I guess that is what I get for trying something new. I am seriously considering moving to the mountains with my 47 cats or something equally hermit-like. No more hobbies for me.
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